How to Connect With Humanity When
You Feel All Alone
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” - Eric Fromm
The recent death of my Aunt put me in a state of mind
that I think we all go through at different times in our lives: the feeling of
utter isolation, of complete loneliness.
There are times when we feel that even if we are
surrounded by other people in our lives, we are alone. We must go through this
difficult journey called life by ourselves, no matter if we’re married or if we
have children or close friends. And that’s a very lonesome prospect.
How do we overcome these feelings of loneliness and
despair? While common, these feelings can be dangerous if we let them go too
far — they can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, or just a slump in our
lives.
The answer is in connecting with other human beings.
When we connect with other humans, we are no longer
alone. We share our suffering, our experiences, our common trials. The misery
we face is no longer insurmountable when we have someone to face it with us.
But making that leap from being alone to making a
connection can be a difficult one. One reader who contacted me recently, for
example, has a form of social anxiety that stops him from talking to people in
social situations. That’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but it can be done.
While I’m not an expert in social anxiety or in
relationships, I have overcome my share of social anxiety, overcome my share of
depression, and found ways to forge human connections in my years as a son,
brother, husband, father, co-worker, boss and friend.
Here are some tips for connecting with humanity when
you’re feeling alone:
Do some kind of activity with others.
If you don’t immediately have someone to connect with —
such as a spouse, kids, or other close family or friends — make an effort to
get out of your house and to meet up with others. If you’re afraid of meeting
strangers, it helps to find places where you’re comfortable — for example, in a
college class, for some people, at a bar you’re familiar with, for others. But
failing that, try some kind of group activity — a reading group, a running
group, a support group, a volunteer group. The activity greases the social
wheels.
Ask for a hug.
If you do have easy access to a loved one, don’t be
afraid to ask for a hug — it’s one of the best medicines. That might sound
corny, but it’s true. Human contact is something we all need, especially in
times of need, and it is a very good way to connect with others.
Visit family and friends.
If you have loved ones you don’t see every day, get out
of your house and go visit them. Just being in their presence, making the
effort to connect with them, that’ll go a long way to making human connections.
Talk with them, share, bond. When my Auntie Kerry died, my family here on Guam
immediately got together, and just being in each other’s company in such a time
not only brought us closer together, and gave us that release of emotions we
needed, but made us feel better during our time of grief.
Nix the TV and movies.
Many times people spend time together watching TV and movies.
While that’s OK some of the time, it isn’t the best way to connect with others.
The problem with such passive entertainment is that it separates us, even if
we’re close together. We end up not talking, but watching. Instead, play
sports, play a board game, have coffee or tea, have a picnic — anything that
you do together, where you can talk and connect, is a good thing.
Find commonalities.
If you don’t have easy access to loved ones, and need
to make new friends and connect with new people, it’s best to start by trying
to find common ground. What shared interests do you have? Have you lived in the
same place, gone to the same school, worked in the same place? Do you have
similar hobbies or passions? When you find that common ground, you can connect.
Open up.
Once you’ve found common ground, and gotten comfortable
with a person, don’t be afraid to open up a little. Of course, you don’t pour
out all of your innermost secrets the first time you meet someone — it has to
be a gradual opening up. But if you never open up, you will never make a real,
deep connection. It’ll just be something on the surface. It’s when people share
something real, and personal, that these real connections are made.
Practice, and get comfortable.
Often we are shy or socially anxious when we are in
uncomfortable situations. The remedy for this is to get comfortable, and the
only way to do that is to keep doing it, keep practicing, until you’re better
at it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get.
Do it in small doses.
If the above tip sounds like too much for you — you
have a hard time even contemplating practicing social situations until you’re
comfortable — then it’s best to do it in small doses. Start with somewhere
you’re fairly comfortable, and just try talking to someone you know a little.
Then try someone you don’t know, but in a comfortable situation. Do it one dose
at a time, celebrate your success, and then give it another try on another day.
You don’t have to make huge connections all at once.
Groom yourself.
This might sound obvious, but it’s amazing how big of a
difference this can make. First, being well-groomed makes a good impression on
others you don’t know well, and helps them to react more positively to you. But
second, and more importantly, being well-groomed helps you to be more confident
with yourself, and that makes all the difference in the world.
Learn to be a good listener.
A very important
point, but it’s incredible how many people ignore this fundamental skill. I’ve
talked to so many people who I can tell are really good people, but who I tire
of talking to simply because they don’t seem to hear anything I say. I listen
to them, but they don’t return the favor, and as a result, it’s a one-sided
conversation. No one likes that kind of conversation (except the person doing
all the talking). If you want to make a connection with another person, you
have to begin by listening. Learn to ask questions to gt the other person
talking about herself — that’s everyone’s favorite subject. And when they do start
talking, learn to actually listen. Don’t just stare with a blank look, and
think about what you want to talk about. Hear what they’re saying, respond with
appropriate words and sounds and facial expressions, ask follow up questions.
If you can learn to listen, you’ll go a long way in making connections with
anyone.
Help those in need.
Aside from just meeting new people, another great way
to connect with other human beings is to help them when they need help.
Volunteering to help the homeless and the hungry, for example, is a great way
to meet new people, to do something positive, to make a difference in the lives
of others, and to connect with people in ways that just aren’t otherwise
possible.
Find ways to express your love.
Whether you’re connecting with loved ones, with new
people, or with those in need … the ultimate connection is always through love.
And the way to make this kind of connection is by first expressing your love —
without expecting it to be returned — in any way you can. How can you express
your love? That’s up to you — you have to find ways that are appropriate to the
situation, the relationship, and to you as a person — but some ideas: hugs, an
affectionate smile, a nice letter, doing something considerate for the person,
just spending time with them, telling them you love them, listing the reasons
you love them … I’m sure you can think of many more. :)
On a related note:
Thank you to everyone on this blog who has comforted me
during my time of grieving over my family, through your kind words, through
sharing your stories of loss and suffering, through sharing my pain, through
your prayers and wishes and thoughts and positive energy. You’ve shown me, in a
thousand ways, that connections can be made over great distances, between
relative strangers, in a way that really does make a lasting difference on your
life. So thank you, thank you.
“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple
and as difficult as that.” - Michael Leunig
